Sneaky PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a sneaky thing. Sometimes the strangest things trigger a traumatic memory or flashback.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in a planning meeting in the church sanctuary that will be hosting our new community recovery program. I looked down at the pew in front of me and felt all the air leave my lungs. Someone had left their camouflage colored Bible in the pew-back book holder.

I automatically panicked, "Was he here?" My ex-husband has a camo Bible. Of course, he wasn't there.  He's never been to the town that we live in now. He's in prison. It was a random Bible that someone had accidentally left there. I even checked the inscription page to make sure his name wasn't there.


Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:6-7

Whenever you have anxiety about anything, tell Him. Only He can give you peace.

I took a deep breath and gave it to God.

Inhale. Exhale.

Summer Craftiness: Chunky Tie-Dye Crayons

Hi there! I haven't blogged much this summer. It has been extremely crazy, with kids' appointments, fundraising for our mission trip, and visiting our Little E while she's still in her residential program. Speaking of her, she's doing well, but has had some setbacks lately. Thank you to everyone who has asked about her and prayed for her.

So, on with the craftiness!

We've had to get very creative in order to raise money for this mission trip. We're down to the wire and about to have ANOTHER yard sale (you'd think we wouldn't still have so much stuff!). I roped the kids in motivated the kids to help me make these adorable tie-dye chunky crayons to package and sell at their own little booth. Come on kids, help Mom and Dad go to Honduras to tell people about Jesus! 

Aren't they pretty?? They were SO easy to make, too!

• Gather all those crayons that your kids hardly use--the freebie ones from restaurants, the ones that haven't melted into your minivan floorboards, the ones that Aunt Mable gave to them at Easter--All the Crayons!!!
• Peel those paper labels off. You can soak them off in a bowl of water, but make sure you don't soak the washable crayons! 

• Grease your muffin tin or silicone molds. You can spray them with pam, or rub on coconut oil, etc. You don't have to have as much as this...my daughter got a little carried away with the coconut oil! 

• Go ahead and preheat your oven to 275℉. 

• Peel more crayons. Break them up into 1/2- 1 inch pieces and fill your muffin cups/molds. (We used a mini muffin tin.)
• Bake for 7-10 minutes, or until completely melted. 
• Take them out of the oven (surely you know to use a pot holder, right?). At this point, you can swirl the colors with a toothpick, or sprinkle glitter on the tops. Let them cool for a few minutes. When they have cooled a bit, you can put them in the freezer to let them firm up more quickly.
• When cool, you can pop them out of the silicone molds, or bang the muffin tin on the counter (let out that pent-up frustration 😜). 

There you have it...pretty tie-dye chunky crayons! Have fun letting your kids be creative!

To Honduras We Go!

Kevin and I are going to Honduras this July with Believer's Community Church. We're so excited! It'll be his first time out of the country, and my first "official" international mission trip (even though my adoption trips may count!). We'll be based out of Campamento Viejo, Olancho, Honduras. We'll also minister in El Porvenir and San Juan Apostal. 

We plan to visit Casa Emanuel Orphanage, give out food sacks and clothes, host VBS for kids in the villages, preach the gospel, and minister to the people living in the trash dump. Jesus based his earthly ministry on meeting people's needs and building relationships. The ministry we have partnered with is unique because our church has returned each summer to minister to these communities and continue outreach in those surrounding. You can read more about this ministry here. 

I'm also hoping to gather some donations of soccer balls to take to the orphanage. These kids need some fun!

If you'd like to get involved, you can donate to our trip on our Mission Minder page. Monetary donations help us get there, but your prayers are always welcome! We can't do any of this in our own strength, nor would we want to! We're humbled that God chooses to use us! Please pray about how God would use you to partner with us in this venture.

A Boy's First Conversation with His Mother

Adopted children in general have a history of loss--no matter if they were passed from their birth mother's arms to their adopted parent's arms in the hospital, if they were abandoned at the local orphanage, or if they were taken from their original home because of their birth parents' choices. 

Bubby is a twin. He has a condition called Amyoplasia, one of the most common forms of Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. If you've never heard of it, don't feel bad. I hadn't either, before I started the process to adopt him. It's fairly rare. As a rare disorder, there is very little knowledge and treatment for AMC in the worldwide medical community. Therefore, many doctors advise mothers pregnant with a baby with AMC to abort. That's what Bubby's birth mom was told. I actually had the opportunity to tell her thank you for choosing life for him. She chose life for her twin boys; and because they didn't have the medical support necessary to care for him, they lovingly placed him in the local orphanage and took his brother home. 

In 2011, just before his sixth birthday, I went to Ukraine and adopted him. Almost two years ago, I told him of his twin brother. He's had a desire to reunite with him ever since. 

After years of occasional looking, I got the push I needed to help Bubby find his brother when I saw this reunion of adopted twin girls on Good Morning America. 

I contacted a missionary who works in the orphanages in the area Bubby is from, and asked if he knew of how we might find his birth family. I was pleasantly surprised when he messaged me back with the family's contact information and the offer of a translator. I spoke to his birth mother first, while he was at school. Her first question to me was if he had learned to walk. I proudly told her that after many surgeries and therapies, that he could now walk. We cried happy tears together about the boy that we both love. 

The next week, Bubby had the chance to talk to her via the translator.

Here is his account of their conversation:

I was nervous while waiting to talk to my birth mom. If you're wondering if I have a birth mom, yes I'm adopted. I was scared to talk to her but I prayed to God and he give me courage to say the right words I had to say to her. The first word I said to her was "hi"and she said back to me,"Do you have good grades?". I said back to her "Yes, I have good grades". I asked her if my brothers know that I'm their brother. She said, "No. Are you mad at me?" I respond to her, "No. What does your house look like?" She said it is a small house. 

Of course, there were many more details that they talked about--like the fact that he also has a nine year old brother, but these were the topics that were the most memorable for him. We are just waiting on them to decide when the right time is for them to tell the boys that they have a brother in America. This is their story too; and they have the right to discuss the situation on their timetable.

We're excited to continue to communicate with them, exchange photos of our families, and hopefully meet one day!

Cast All Your Cares

Anxiety can be allowing yourself to go through worst-case-scenerio thoughts before anything actually happens.

We recently went through this before placing Little E in residential treatment. It was truly a "darned-if-we-do/darned-if-we-don't" situation. I obsessed over every detail. "Will she hate us?" "Will she come out worse?" "If we wait a little longer..." "What if she picks up additional bad habits?" 

And the biggest for me--"What will people think?" We went through over a year of indecision on the issue. 

We can also have anxiety about things that are in the past--second guessing decisions we've made, worrying about situations over which we have no control, etc.

I am the queen of over thinking and worry. Seriously. 

I got some Christmas money and decided I'd finally get a pair of cowgirl boots--after years of wishing and wanting. I spent days agonizing over my decision. I had a couple of windows open on my phone for different stores, with boots in my cart. I just had to read all the reviews. And obsess over the measurements of each (I have athletic calves). And make sure I found THE BEST PRICE. 

I FINALLY made a decision after trying on so many pairs. At so many stores. ACKKKK!!! What did I just do? I spent what? 

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS!!!!!!

1Peter 5:7 says: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

"Cast" in Greek is defined as, "to throw upon; place upon".  

It's not very hard to pray and give your anxiety to the Lord, but do you let Him keep it? 

Imagine that you're walking down the sidewalk, carrying a couple of heavy boxes. They're just high enough that you have trouble seeing over them, and they are cutting off the circulation in your arms. A friend walks by and sees you struggling. He offers to take the boxes and help you get them to your destination. Do you let him carry them the entire way, or do you snatch them back and stumble on? 

Take a few deep breathes every time you feel the anxiety rising in you. Ask God for help.  Don't take it back. 

I have to add (because I care), that if anxiety is a regular, overwhelming issue for you, please don't be afraid to see your doctor. I'm not embarrassed to admit that with all I've gone through, Zoloft does help a bit. Debilitating anxiety isn't something that should be ignored. 

Minus One

My heart is breaking.

My daughter, who has Reactive Attachment Disorder, is especially RADish these days. E has been stealing, lying and manipulating much more lately. I get it. It's her attempt to control her world. However, her maladaptive behavior has turned into illegal behavior. We've had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our lives---and that is to enroll E in a residential treatment facility that has a RAD specific program.  We take her on Monday. She'll be there for 6-9 months.

I know. It's not ideal. It's not what any of us want. We are to the point that our excellent Christian counselors are even at a loss for how to help her. If anything, this program will be an intense reminder of the skills she's learned. She needs a reset. We need a reset. We all have PTSD from living with her. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. The other kids are weary of having their possessions stolen, of being manipulated into a fight, and of the constant conflict.

We pray this helps.

I've been so comforted by friends who have had to do the same thing. There is hope. My friend Erin, a fellow adoptive mom, expresses herself so well in this piece she wrote for The Mighty.

My deepest gratitude to those who have come beside us in love and support.

Release

*Preface* This was meant to be about my daughter, who struggles with Reactive Attachment Disorder; however, the more I wrote, the more I realized that I do the same to my Heavenly Father. As we fight for the heart of our girl, I'm praying for those of you who are battling for the hearts of your precious treasures. 



Break down your fortress, little girl.
The walls you've built around your heart.
The jagged edges of stone on your battlements.
The walls made of anger and control.
Your self-preservation comes at a price.

From your earliest days, you were taught not to trust.
Lies and loss left you empty and hollow.
Those whom you trusted, hurt you deeply.
Stole your innocence.
More stones, higher walls.

Push, push away.
Push away first, so you can't be hurt.
The Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
Angry and alone, you crouch in your castle.
You pounce on the ones who try to reach you.

Run to the One who can free you, Princess.
Release control to your Abba Daddy.
Open your clenched fists to the ones who love you.
The Enemy's fortress is not your home.
Trust is your freedom.

Release the control to the One who treasures you.