When Your World Comes Crashing Down

I see you there.

You feel like your world has ended, burned to the ground. That hard knot in your throat makes it impossible to talk. The words just won't come out of your mouth. You try to force them out and then the tears just start flowing again--that stupid waterfall from your eyes.

You just got THE CALL. The one your doctor told you might happen.

You just found out your marriage--the one that lasted 12 years--was his façade and built on a mountain of lies. You wonder why you fought for it in vain.

You found your child...your baby...lifeless in his little bed, still covered in his favorite snuggly blanket.

Your husband came home from work, a depth of sadness in his eyes, and told you that he was laid off with dozens of others.

........

People mean well. Some do. They bring you a casserole, give you a hug, sit and listen for a bit.

Some people though--- they purposefully ignore you in the store, they "unfriend" you...your pain makes them feel awkward.

And the verses...people keep quoting Bible verses to you--most of which you memorized in 1986, while sitting in Sunday School, chewing on the ribbons on the new dress your mom saved up to buy for you from Penney's.

"I know!", you want to shout at them. "Where is God?" "Why did He do this to me?"

Like Job in the book of the Bible that bears his name, you are experiencing hardships that others don't understand. The people who were supposed to be Job's support network, were less than supportive. Job went through a rollercoaster of emotions, but remained faithful to his God. 

As his friends badgered him with judgment of his predicament, he replied, "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth" (Job 19:25) After Job gets a talking-to by God Himself, He truly sees the extent of God's power and that He uses all things for our good and His glory. 

Job says of God, “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me. My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you." (Job 42:4-5) He had a working knowledge of God, especially since everything in his life was seemingly perfect. However, after tragedy struck, he truly realized how powerful God is. And afterward, God blessed Him more richly than He had before. 

Regardless of how well people comfort you, God is for you. He really does make beauty from ashes. I know it's difficult to see that in the moment. When your world comes crashing down, don't forget who holds yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Who has wisdom that surpasses ours. He loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. Hard things can draw us closer to Him. Lean on the Lord. He'll get you through it.

Hey, adoptive mom (and dad)...

This is hard. Maybe the hardest thing you have ever done. Some days it seems like you haven't made any progress. Some days it seems like your kids hate you.

And the Enemy...he likes to tell you that you made a mistake. You might be sitting in your bedroom floor crying and wondering if you heard God right--when you flew across the globe and brought this child into your home. Or when you said yes to those big, sad eyes that peered up at you while the social worker handed you a garbage bag filled with a few worldly possessions.

You did hear God right. Satan is a liar. You tell him to hit the road (in Jesus' Name, of course!).

Here are a few things to keep in mind through these times:

1. They have lost so much. Whether it be separation from their birthmother at the hospital, loss of their  orphanage friends, home country, language, siblings, neighborhood, etc. Even if you see their adoption as a good thing, they see loss. Confusion, sadness, fear, and anger are common reactions to loss.
2. You and your child are not enemies. I know, sometimes it feels like it. 
3. You are not alone. There are others out there who understand. It's essential to find others who are living through Reactive Attachment Disorder. Start by googling "RAD blogs". I was shocked to see how many families are out there talking about this--being open and honest about their families. 
4. Seeking professional help can seem scary, but it's important. RAD is hard to explain. Find counselors and mental health professionals who understand and have received training in RAD. (Them hearing a brief mention of RAD in one of their classes DOES NOT equate to them being trained in how to help children and families who are walking through the trenches of it. Sometimes more harm than good can come from well-meaning, but untrained mental health professionals.)

You and your kids don't have to walk this road alone. Satan wants you to feel alone. He doesn't want you or your kids to bond or heal. Don't forget--God called you to this and He loves you and those babies more than you could ever imagine. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10) NIV

                                                     

                                                         

11:11

What's up with 11:11, you ask? Well, there's absolutely nothing magical about it. It's a time, just like 4:57. But, for me, God has used it as a reminder that He has a good plan for me. His timing is perfect. He loves me enough to have it all under control. He always seems to let me look at the clock when it says 11:11, and a peace fills my soul.

Hebrews11:1 says,

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (NLT) In fact, that whole chapter is a long list of ordinary people who trusted God to come through when things seemed impossible. One of my favorites is actually verse 11 (that would make it Hebrews 11:11, cool, huh?) "It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise."(NLT) I'm not as old as Sarah, but it makes me feel like it when the nurses at my OB office say, "Because of your advanced maternal age...". I guess it is a little out of the ordinary to have 4 kids, but be pregnant with your first at age 36! Baby Hannah Faith is a very special miracle. 11:11 also reminds me that God usually seems to come through at the eleventh hour. His timing is not ours. I'm normally fretting and worrying, with everything about a situation feeling like it's falling apart around me. And there He is. He already knows the answer. He already has the most perfect plan. He just asks us to trust Him. And like the majority of the people featured in Hebrews 11, God sometimes asks us to do HUGE things that don't make sense to other people. Like build a giant boat in the dessert, sacrifice a most dearly loved possession, or start walking to your destiny without knowing the destination.  Another thing that Hebrews 11 drives home, is that all those people didn't see the full fruition of their faith on this earth. They knew that the real prize was waiting on them in Heaven. So, next time you (and I) feel frustrated with a lack of direction or answers in a situation, just remember that He has everything about that situation under control. He is working everything out for your good. (For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11)

Infertility...

Infertility stinks. It really does. I know because I dealt with it for almost 13 years. 

Now, I'm probably not the one you want to hear this from. At this point, I'm 19 weeks pregnant.

This is me:

AND...I'M ABSOLUTELY NOT HERE TO PATRONIZE YOU.

You've had enough of that. Enough of people telling you some sex position you need to try (awkward!), or that their best friend's niece's cousin adopted and then suddenly found they were pregnant.

My situation is a bit different. My ex-husband is infertile and I dealt with the grief that comes with being told that we had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant. The grief is real. It really is the death of a dream.

And the end of that marriage is another story for another day...

Fast forward to now-- and I have three amazing, quirky, adorable children via international adoption, and a beautiful and talented step-daughter. God did restore the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25). He gave me a husband who loves and serves God above all else. He is my best friend. And he knows great loss. We get each other.

And for some reason, shortly after we got married in January, God allowed me to get pregnant. He did fulfill that dream and desire of my heart.

But for some, it's not to be. I don't pretend to know why. My heart breaks for you though.

I can't tell you why-- or what you should do next when the doctor says that in vitro is not working, there are no sperm to be found, or a hysterectomy is eminent.

Maybe you are supposed to adopt. Or maybe God is sending you into a ministry where it would be difficult to raise a family. I don't have the answers for you.

I can tell you one thing for certain.

Grieve.

Oh, please don't emotionally push past this. Don't tough it out on your own. Grieve as a couple and press into the Lord. Cry out to Him. He is your Abba Daddy and He loves you. Crawl into His Daddy lap and cry. Cling to Him and mourn this loss.  And I won't lie--sometimes this step requires you to process your grief through a counselor. There is no shame.

And when you have come to a place where you are at peace, take the next brave step. Seek His will for your life and step out.

No one can tell you what that step is, except the Lord. I'm not telling you to put your fingers in your ears and chant, "La-la-la-la...", because sometimes God uses other people to show us where He is leading.

And in the meantime, it's okay to decline the baby shower invites (I've even snuck out of a couple of them while quickly wiping the tears away.) Take your time.

If this is something you are dealing with, feel free to respond in the comments. Let's talk.

If I could, I would meet with you for coffee and girl talk. The comment section will have to do at this point! 

God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle?

"God won't give you more than you can handle." said the well meaning friend/acquaintance/coworker/f@cebook "friend"/great-aunt Millie...

But does He? Is that even a verse?

This phrase is thrown around a lot in Christian circles. So, where does it come from? And if God is so good, why is He doing this to me?

The actual verse reads, "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT)

The verses that surround this passage are actually talking about the temptation to sin and to conform to the world around you. So, what does this have to do with when bad things happen to you? 

Let me make something clear--God allows hard things in our lives to 

1.) Cause us to trust and lean on Him more,

"We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us." (2 Corinthians 1:8-10 NLT)

2.) Make us stronger and prepared for more later in life.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." (James 1:2-4 NLT)

Do these verses sound like they are telling us that God won't give us more than we can handle?

No...but they do offer hope that when He does allow hard things to happen in our lives that He will be there. He is developing perseverance and maturity in us.

And when we flippantly say to someone who is hurting and feels like their whole world is crashing down around them, that "God won't give you more than you can handle."--they could in turn, blame God for doing it to them. They could say, "But this is MORE than I can handle...God, you're not holding up your end of the deal!" 

Wow...you wanted to make them feel better, right? Why not say, "God will give you the strength you need" (Philippians 4:13), or best of all, "What can I do for you?" 

For our family, the past year has been overwhelming at best and tragic at most. I can't tell you how often people have offered to help and I've said no. Pride. Or being overwhelmed. The "What can we do for you?" is met with a blank zombie-like stare. When things were the hardest, I did well to put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't think ahead to what we needed. So, from experience, jump in and do something. Insist on doing something specific. 

Listen. Offer a hug. Bring the grieving family a meal. Mow the single mom's yard *, offer free babysitting, and for goodness sakes--FOLLOW THROUGH.

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. (Matthew 25:35-40)

*This in no way is a hint that I need my yard to be mowed. But if you want to help with something, I've learned to say yes. :)