To Honduras We Go!

Kevin and I are going to Honduras this July with Believer's Community Church. We're so excited! It'll be his first time out of the country, and my first "official" international mission trip (even though my adoption trips may count!). We'll be based out of Campamento Viejo, Olancho, Honduras. We'll also minister in El Porvenir and San Juan Apostal. 

We plan to visit Casa Emanuel Orphanage, give out food sacks and clothes, host VBS for kids in the villages, preach the gospel, and minister to the people living in the trash dump. Jesus based his earthly ministry on meeting people's needs and building relationships. The ministry we have partnered with is unique because our church has returned each summer to minister to these communities and continue outreach in those surrounding. You can read more about this ministry here. 

I'm also hoping to gather some donations of soccer balls to take to the orphanage. These kids need some fun!

If you'd like to get involved, you can donate to our trip on our Mission Minder page. Monetary donations help us get there, but your prayers are always welcome! We can't do any of this in our own strength, nor would we want to! We're humbled that God chooses to use us! Please pray about how God would use you to partner with us in this venture.

A Boy's First Conversation with His Mother

Adopted children in general have a history of loss--no matter if they were passed from their birth mother's arms to their adopted parent's arms in the hospital, if they were abandoned at the local orphanage, or if they were taken from their original home because of their birth parents' choices. 

Bubby is a twin. He has a condition called Amyoplasia, one of the most common forms of Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. If you've never heard of it, don't feel bad. I hadn't either, before I started the process to adopt him. It's fairly rare. As a rare disorder, there is very little knowledge and treatment for AMC in the worldwide medical community. Therefore, many doctors advise mothers pregnant with a baby with AMC to abort. That's what Bubby's birth mom was told. I actually had the opportunity to tell her thank you for choosing life for him. She chose life for her twin boys; and because they didn't have the medical support necessary to care for him, they lovingly placed him in the local orphanage and took his brother home. 

In 2011, just before his sixth birthday, I went to Ukraine and adopted him. Almost two years ago, I told him of his twin brother. He's had a desire to reunite with him ever since. 

After years of occasional looking, I got the push I needed to help Bubby find his brother when I saw this reunion of adopted twin girls on Good Morning America. 

I contacted a missionary who works in the orphanages in the area Bubby is from, and asked if he knew of how we might find his birth family. I was pleasantly surprised when he messaged me back with the family's contact information and the offer of a translator. I spoke to his birth mother first, while he was at school. Her first question to me was if he had learned to walk. I proudly told her that after many surgeries and therapies, that he could now walk. We cried happy tears together about the boy that we both love. 

The next week, Bubby had the chance to talk to her via the translator.

Here is his account of their conversation:

I was nervous while waiting to talk to my birth mom. If you're wondering if I have a birth mom, yes I'm adopted. I was scared to talk to her but I prayed to God and he give me courage to say the right words I had to say to her. The first word I said to her was "hi"and she said back to me,"Do you have good grades?". I said back to her "Yes, I have good grades". I asked her if my brothers know that I'm their brother. She said, "No. Are you mad at me?" I respond to her, "No. What does your house look like?" She said it is a small house. 

Of course, there were many more details that they talked about--like the fact that he also has a nine year old brother, but these were the topics that were the most memorable for him. We are just waiting on them to decide when the right time is for them to tell the boys that they have a brother in America. This is their story too; and they have the right to discuss the situation on their timetable.

We're excited to continue to communicate with them, exchange photos of our families, and hopefully meet one day!

Cast All Your Cares

Anxiety can be allowing yourself to go through worst-case-scenerio thoughts before anything actually happens.

We recently went through this before placing Little E in residential treatment. It was truly a "darned-if-we-do/darned-if-we-don't" situation. I obsessed over every detail. "Will she hate us?" "Will she come out worse?" "If we wait a little longer..." "What if she picks up additional bad habits?" 

And the biggest for me--"What will people think?" We went through over a year of indecision on the issue. 

We can also have anxiety about things that are in the past--second guessing decisions we've made, worrying about situations over which we have no control, etc.

I am the queen of over thinking and worry. Seriously. 

I got some Christmas money and decided I'd finally get a pair of cowgirl boots--after years of wishing and wanting. I spent days agonizing over my decision. I had a couple of windows open on my phone for different stores, with boots in my cart. I just had to read all the reviews. And obsess over the measurements of each (I have athletic calves). And make sure I found THE BEST PRICE. 

I FINALLY made a decision after trying on so many pairs. At so many stores. ACKKKK!!! What did I just do? I spent what? 

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS!!!!!!

1Peter 5:7 says: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

"Cast" in Greek is defined as, "to throw upon; place upon".  

It's not very hard to pray and give your anxiety to the Lord, but do you let Him keep it? 

Imagine that you're walking down the sidewalk, carrying a couple of heavy boxes. They're just high enough that you have trouble seeing over them, and they are cutting off the circulation in your arms. A friend walks by and sees you struggling. He offers to take the boxes and help you get them to your destination. Do you let him carry them the entire way, or do you snatch them back and stumble on? 

Take a few deep breathes every time you feel the anxiety rising in you. Ask God for help.  Don't take it back. 

I have to add (because I care), that if anxiety is a regular, overwhelming issue for you, please don't be afraid to see your doctor. I'm not embarrassed to admit that with all I've gone through, Zoloft does help a bit. Debilitating anxiety isn't something that should be ignored. 

Minus One

My heart is breaking.

My daughter, who has Reactive Attachment Disorder, is especially RADish these days. E has been stealing, lying and manipulating much more lately. I get it. It's her attempt to control her world. However, her maladaptive behavior has turned into illegal behavior. We've had to make one of the most difficult decisions of our lives---and that is to enroll E in a residential treatment facility that has a RAD specific program.  We take her on Monday. She'll be there for 6-9 months.

I know. It's not ideal. It's not what any of us want. We are to the point that our excellent Christian counselors are even at a loss for how to help her. If anything, this program will be an intense reminder of the skills she's learned. She needs a reset. We need a reset. We all have PTSD from living with her. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. The other kids are weary of having their possessions stolen, of being manipulated into a fight, and of the constant conflict.

We pray this helps.

I've been so comforted by friends who have had to do the same thing. There is hope. My friend Erin, a fellow adoptive mom, expresses herself so well in this piece she wrote for The Mighty.

My deepest gratitude to those who have come beside us in love and support.

Release

*Preface* This was meant to be about my daughter, who struggles with Reactive Attachment Disorder; however, the more I wrote, the more I realized that I do the same to my Heavenly Father. As we fight for the heart of our girl, I'm praying for those of you who are battling for the hearts of your precious treasures. 



Break down your fortress, little girl.
The walls you've built around your heart.
The jagged edges of stone on your battlements.
The walls made of anger and control.
Your self-preservation comes at a price.

From your earliest days, you were taught not to trust.
Lies and loss left you empty and hollow.
Those whom you trusted, hurt you deeply.
Stole your innocence.
More stones, higher walls.

Push, push away.
Push away first, so you can't be hurt.
The Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
Angry and alone, you crouch in your castle.
You pounce on the ones who try to reach you.

Run to the One who can free you, Princess.
Release control to your Abba Daddy.
Open your clenched fists to the ones who love you.
The Enemy's fortress is not your home.
Trust is your freedom.

Release the control to the One who treasures you.

Cast All Your Cares on Him

It's been a day.

My morning started out with having to confront my RADish daughter about stealing money from my wallet. It is frustrating and disheartening to have to deal with the same repeated behaviors that are a result of her Reactive Attachment Disorder.  (Please...for the love, DO NOT try to console me with, "But lots of kids do that", or something of the sort. Lots of kids don't have a brain that's been affected by trauma.)

Then, I got my happy.

This is the first time he's done this. On a whim, I asked if he'd like to feed Baby Bear. Bubby looked at me, incredulous, and fed her like it was the most familiar thing in the world. He's pretty amazing like that. I'm so proud of how far this boy has come!

After Bubby left on the bus, I started to get in a funk again about my daughter's RAD behaviors. I prayed about it, but didn't really give it all to the Lord. 

There was a knock at the door. A precious friend brought some gifts for Bubby, including money to buy the adaptive clothing that we really wanted to help him be more independent. 

 

God is so good. Even when we have trouble trusting.

God is the Abba Daddy to all my kids. He knows my frustration with RAD. He has a good plan for my girl...and all of them. 

And me.

Characteristics of the Child Molester

My ex husband is a child molester. He'll be in prison for a long time.

It's taken me over 2 years to be able to write with much detail in this public venue. My prayer is that I can continue to be used through this situation. I remember right after he was taken to custody, I stumbled upon an article written by a woman whose minister husband was found guilty of the same. Until then, I felt very alone. Hopefully, I can reach someone who is facing a similar, hellish experience.

With that said, I want to tell you about some characteristics and commonalities of child molesters.

• They are extremely sneaky. My ex (I'll call him EC for simplicity's sake) was (and I can only assume still is) a master of deception. The question I asked myself countless times after the arrest was, "How could I not know?" I lived with the guy for over twelve years--how did I miss this? 
• They are narcissistic. Everything they do is for attention and they can do no wrong. See this post for more info on this topic.
• They often choose careers and situations that put them in close proximity to children. EC was a children's minister and preschool teacher. We also adopted three kids. My heart breaks over this. We pledged in each child's country to care for these children. He broke that promise in the worst sort of way. My motivation for adopting was a God-given call to care for the orphan. I shiver to think of what EC's motivation was.
• They "gas light" those around them. This page has an excellent explanation of this term. I began to doubt my sanity and memory, after years of living with EC. He used these tactics to hide what he was doing to the kids. I truly felt like I was going crazy at times.
• They blame the victims. I am sickened to tell you how many grown adults I have heard of use the excuse, "She/he asked for it.", when referring to the children they have victimized. Seriously???? A child. Similarly, they use the gas lighting technique to turn their sympathizers against their victims. 

This is by no means an exhaustive list of traits of the child molester. However, I do want you to be aware so that you can help others in this situation.

And, as always, if you or someone you know are in this situation, PLEASE reach out. My kids are safe because a little girl was brave enough to talk to a trusted adult.

You are not alone.