Narcissism and Emotional Abuse

Sometimes you feel like he hung the moon, even though he treats you like dirt.

Somedays you want to run fast and far from the hurt that he causes--and then you reason, like so many other times, that you are just overthinking everything and it was probably your fault that xyz happened.

You wonder if you'll ever be free from the shackles he puts you in daily.

You keep replaying the tape, "I just need to be a better wife."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" slips so easily from your lips when you're trying to make everything right (calm him down).



This is the reality I used to live in my previous marriage. If this is a reality for you, please reach out. YOU have worth. 

You are not who he makes you feel.

For Such a Time as This (A fiction series)

Essie walked quickly down the sidewalk to her aging apartment complex. Downtown Philadelphia wasn't always a friendly place for a single woman. The other people in her neighborhood were okay--she knew most of the residents in the surrounding buildings. She was thinking of some of them as she absent-mindedly punched the cracked floor button in the elevator. She unlocked her door, went in, and put some water on to boil for tea. While she waited for it to steep, she pushed her dogeared book aside and curled up on her couch. Work had completely drained her today. She had been solely responsible for restocking the shelves of the convenience store on the University campus. Well, that and helping every student who came in. Her boss refused to hire help for her shift during the school year. She sighed and walked across the room to retrieve her tea.

As she sat back down, she thought of her time with Mama Lou. She had stopped by her apartment on her way home, to drop off the half gallon of milk she knew Mama Lou needed, but was too hesitant to ask. Lou had moved from somewhere in the South a few years ago. She really was just like Essie imagined a mom to be.

"What you gone do wit' yo life, Esther?" Mama had drawled. 

"What do you mean, Mama Lou? I'm an adult. I have a job.", Esther replied, amused with how Momma Lou insisted on calling her by her full first name. 

"Oh, girl, there's nothin' wrong with yo job--but you should be sittin' in class with those kids, instead a jus' cooking they frozen burritos."

Essie sat back on the faded, flowered couch in Mama Lou's dim apartment, allowing the older woman's words to sink in. She had felt very blessed to find a job right out of high school. She had excelled at school--made honor roll even. But college? Her dad lived on the other side of the city, in Germantown. He was a mechanic and had never even suggested college while she was in high school. He hadn't discouraged her--it just hadn't been on the table. 

Essie looked up at Mama Lou as she slowly raised her aged body out of her recliner. "God has a good plan fo' you, girl. You know Jesus. You always good at treatin' people like Jesus would. I jus' know the Lord has somethin' big fo' you. Come to think of it, maybe you aughta read about yo' namesake."

Now, thinking back to that conversation, she reached for her much-loved Bible and turned the onion skin pages to the book of Esther. She had forgotten how chapter one began. King Xerxes had thrown a party to display his opulence. During the long party, he had called for his queen, named Vashti. She refused to come.

Essie wanted to read more, but the long day had gotten the best of her. She pushed everything aside and stretched out, succumbing to sleep.

To be continued...

"Is she your first?"

I'm asked quite often if Baby Bear is my first child. More often than not, it happens when she and I are out and about while the big kids are in school.

I always seem to trip up at this question--as if it were a crack in the sidewalk.

"Well, sort of. I mean..."

Technically, she is my first biological child. And that's a pretty big deal if you know my journey with infertility. However, she's the very youngest of five kids.

The Sissies and the Bubby, as we refer to them. 

My tripping over my answer doesn't negate their value at all. They are forever and always, our kids. None of the four big kids came from my womb like Baby Bear did, and that doesn't change my love for them. Not in the least. It does, however, give me a great segue to share my story. And sometimes, God tends to use it in other's lives. I'm glad He does. I'm humbled He does.

The roles in our family are a bit tricky to explain to others--- kind of like how I'm bouncing the Bear on my leg and typing with my free hand, on the laptop that is rocking back and forth on the ottoman, as I sit in her bedroom floor. I'm just here mommyin'.

So, no matter what your family looks like, just keep on mommyin'.  You don't owe anyone an explanation, but God just might use your story to glorify Himself.

11:11

What's up with 11:11, you ask? Well, there's absolutely nothing magical about it. It's a time, just like 4:57. But, for me, God has used it as a reminder that He has a good plan for me. His timing is perfect. He loves me enough to have it all under control. He always seems to let me look at the clock when it says 11:11, and a peace fills my soul.

Hebrews11:1 says,

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (NLT) In fact, that whole chapter is a long list of ordinary people who trusted God to come through when things seemed impossible. One of my favorites is actually verse 11 (that would make it Hebrews 11:11, cool, huh?) "It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise."(NLT) I'm not as old as Sarah, but it makes me feel like it when the nurses at my OB office say, "Because of your advanced maternal age...". I guess it is a little out of the ordinary to have 4 kids, but be pregnant with your first at age 36! Baby Hannah Faith is a very special miracle. 11:11 also reminds me that God usually seems to come through at the eleventh hour. His timing is not ours. I'm normally fretting and worrying, with everything about a situation feeling like it's falling apart around me. And there He is. He already knows the answer. He already has the most perfect plan. He just asks us to trust Him. And like the majority of the people featured in Hebrews 11, God sometimes asks us to do HUGE things that don't make sense to other people. Like build a giant boat in the dessert, sacrifice a most dearly loved possession, or start walking to your destiny without knowing the destination.  Another thing that Hebrews 11 drives home, is that all those people didn't see the full fruition of their faith on this earth. They knew that the real prize was waiting on them in Heaven. So, next time you (and I) feel frustrated with a lack of direction or answers in a situation, just remember that He has everything about that situation under control. He is working everything out for your good. (For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11)

Infertility...

Infertility stinks. It really does. I know because I dealt with it for almost 13 years. 

Now, I'm probably not the one you want to hear this from. At this point, I'm 19 weeks pregnant.

This is me:

AND...I'M ABSOLUTELY NOT HERE TO PATRONIZE YOU.

You've had enough of that. Enough of people telling you some sex position you need to try (awkward!), or that their best friend's niece's cousin adopted and then suddenly found they were pregnant.

My situation is a bit different. My ex-husband is infertile and I dealt with the grief that comes with being told that we had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant. The grief is real. It really is the death of a dream.

And the end of that marriage is another story for another day...

Fast forward to now-- and I have three amazing, quirky, adorable children via international adoption, and a beautiful and talented step-daughter. God did restore the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25). He gave me a husband who loves and serves God above all else. He is my best friend. And he knows great loss. We get each other.

And for some reason, shortly after we got married in January, God allowed me to get pregnant. He did fulfill that dream and desire of my heart.

But for some, it's not to be. I don't pretend to know why. My heart breaks for you though.

I can't tell you why-- or what you should do next when the doctor says that in vitro is not working, there are no sperm to be found, or a hysterectomy is eminent.

Maybe you are supposed to adopt. Or maybe God is sending you into a ministry where it would be difficult to raise a family. I don't have the answers for you.

I can tell you one thing for certain.

Grieve.

Oh, please don't emotionally push past this. Don't tough it out on your own. Grieve as a couple and press into the Lord. Cry out to Him. He is your Abba Daddy and He loves you. Crawl into His Daddy lap and cry. Cling to Him and mourn this loss.  And I won't lie--sometimes this step requires you to process your grief through a counselor. There is no shame.

And when you have come to a place where you are at peace, take the next brave step. Seek His will for your life and step out.

No one can tell you what that step is, except the Lord. I'm not telling you to put your fingers in your ears and chant, "La-la-la-la...", because sometimes God uses other people to show us where He is leading.

And in the meantime, it's okay to decline the baby shower invites (I've even snuck out of a couple of them while quickly wiping the tears away.) Take your time.

If this is something you are dealing with, feel free to respond in the comments. Let's talk.

If I could, I would meet with you for coffee and girl talk. The comment section will have to do at this point! 

Nice People

Many years ago, when I first started college, I was very naive...and sheltered. I had moved 2 hours away to a little Baptist college from my very small hometown. I got all settled, made a few friends and had explored my new community. One day, I told my friend, "There are so many nice people here!" She replied, incredulous, "There are nice people everywhere." I was a bit miffed and little stung by her retort. In my naive, sheltered, 18 year old mind, the only nice people were in my hometown. Everyone else was a stranger. I didn't understand that there really are nice people everywhere--that's not to say everyone is nice, or worthy of our trust, for that matter. Just that not everyone in a new place is an evil stranger.

I would hope that most young people have experienced communities outside of their own. Last year, I moved my 3 kids for a month from small town Southern suburbia to inner city New Jersey and Philadelphia, so my son could get some extensive medical treatment at a hospital there. That was an enlightening experience! And...thankfully, I had already made several friends there on our many previous visits to the hospital who selflessly took us in, fed us, brought/sent us treats, etc.

There really are nice people everywhere.

Do you have experience outside of your comfort zone? Is it a priority for you to put your children in a position to safely explore a new environment? Youth group/family mission trips are a great way to facilitate this. Service projects that teach your children (and remind you) how to be "the nice person." Volunteer at a food pantry, visit an Eastern European orphanage, go with your church to Central America to teach Bible club, take in a foster child, walk across the sanctuary to greet the new person at church, visit your elderly neighbor and ask her about her experiences, volunteer at your local Ronald McDonald House, (this list could literally go on and on...)

"So why should I be the nice person?"

Because, it's the right thing to do.

  Do to others as you would like them to do to you. “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!  And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. (Luke 6:31-36)

And...I will go a bit further by reminding you (and me!) to be kind to those who don't look/act/think/believe like you. God made them too. God loves them too. Be kind. 

You never know when someone is hurting. They might just need a friend.

Be the nice person.

Using Our Hard Things to Help Others

Tonight, after our usual family devotions, we began discussing how each of our children could use the challenges in their lives to help others. Now, granted, in our family we run the gamut of challenges--from death of a sibling...to adoption...to physical special needs...to past abuse.

This is an important seed to plant in our children's hearts (and our own); and we all have had individual struggles and challenges that others have as well.

Toward the end of the discussion, I mentioned to our youngest daughter (who was adopted from Guatemala as a baby), that she might one day go back to Guatemala to help people there. She replied with 9-year-old wisdom, "I can go teach people like my birth mom to read."  I had told her that the girls in Guatemala only go to school for a couple of years, if that; and that her birth mother was illiterate.  We went around the room and each of our four kids prayed. Her prayer was that the she could go to Guatemala when she is a grown up and teach the women that they are just as important as the men, and help the girls to go to school and learn to read.

Did I forget to mention that reading doesn't come easily for her? She has dyslexia. However, she knows that she is blessed to live in a country where education is freely available for all children--no matter their gender.

And one day when she is grown, I pray that she does board a plane to her homeland. And that little girls with chocolate-brown eyes and raven black hair will learn that they are precious and valuable.

How can you use the hard things in your life to encourage others and bring them closer to Christ?

How have you been encouraged by others during your challenging times?

Make a list of the challenges you have overcome--the mountains God has moved in your life--and pray that He will give you opportunities to come in contact with others who might need a word of encouragement.

Here's some of mine so far:  infertility, infidelity of a spouse (not this marriage!), adoption, abuse, divorce, remarriage, blended families, step parenting, parenting a child with special needs, parenting a child with RAD, parenting a child who's been abused, etc, etc.

God is good. He brings us through. He invites us to walk on water, with our eyes focusing solely on Him.

And then, we can encourage others who are walking the same path.